Pure Independence

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A simple formula for a pretty nice life is independence plus purpose.

Purpose is different for everyone. Sometimes it’s family, sometimes it’s community, religion, work, whatever.

But independence is more universal. Our desire to be independent, why we want, what prevents us from achieving it, and why some people sabotage their ability to have it, is such a common story across cultures and generations.

I have a parenting story.

My son has always been shy. Painfully shy. At times it’s adorable; at times my wife and I worry. Pre-school teachers gave up trying to get him to participate in group activities – he would sit by himself in the corner watching other kids play. He wouldn’t trick-or-treat one year because the thought of knocking on a stranger’s door could bring him to tears. We almost didn’t make it through airport security once because he refused to tell the TSA agent his age (he was eight).

But we had confidence he’d improve. And like most kids, he has.

Last week we were at a pool and he asked if he could get ice cream. I said yes, but you have to do it by yourself. You have to order it yourself, hand her the money, take the change – all of it. I’m not even going to be nearby.

“I can’t do it,” he said.

“That’s OK, you don’t have to” I said.

He paused.

“But can I still get ice cream?”

“Yes, but you have to do it yourself,” I said.

Another pause.

“What if I get in trouble?” he asked.

“For what?”

“What if they tell me no because I’m a kid?”

“They won’t. But even if they do, it’s fine,” I said. “You won’t be in trouble.”

I could see the gears turning in his head. He wanted to do it so badly.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m so scared.”

Another pause.

“I can’t do it.”

It’s difficult as a parent to, on one hand, want to shower your kids with protection and help while, on the other, know how important it is to teach them independence. “Teach” is probably the wrong word, because you know they’ll figure it out on their own. Sometimes you provide the most help with the assistance you withhold.

My son walked off. I had no idea what he was going to do.

A few minutes later he came back – absolutely beaming – with a bowl of ice cream.

This story might seem benign to other parents – or even bizarre if you’re used to a gregarious kid. But in the context of his past, it’s hard to describe its impact. He was so proud of himself.

If I had gone with him and held his hand through the process, the ice cream would have given him a small happiness boost. When he did it on his own terms, with a sense of independence, the psychological rewards were off the charts.

I’ll tell you the takeaway: If you’re used to being assisted, supervised, mandated, or dictated, and then suddenly you experience the glory of independence, the feeling is sensational. Doing something on your own terms can feel better than doing the exact same thing when someone else is peering over your shoulder, telling you what to do, guiding you along.

And that’s as true for adults as it is for kids getting ice cream.

Independence is the best financial goal for most people. But independence is more than just financial – moral, cultural, and intellectual independence – is one of the highest levels you can reach in life. “There is only one success,” says poet Christopher Morley, “to be able to spend your life in your own way.”

Derek Sivers once put it a different way:

All misery comes from dependency. If you weren’t dependent on income, people, or technology, you would be truly free. The only way to be deeply happy is to break all dependencies.

That’s why independence – financially, intellectually, morally – is one of the highest goals you can achieve.

Here are a few things I’ve thought about with independence.

1. Independence is the only way to recognize individuality.

I read this great quote recently from an early Amazon employee:

Jeff [Bezos] said many times that if we wanted Amazon to be a place where builders can build, we needed to eliminate communication, not encourage it.

The idea is that if you want to do something great, you cannot have a group of people constantly telling you what you’re doing wrong and why it doesn’t mesh with their own goals. That’s not because those other people might be wrong; it’s because they might be playing a different game than you are.

In business, finance, and everyday life, a great decision for me might be a terrible decision for you and vice versa. If everyone had the same goals, the same family dynamics, and the same personalities, we could make finance a hard science and say, “Here’s how everyone should save and invest.” But it’s not like that. The difference in how you and I want to live our lives – what our own definition of success might be – can be 10 miles wide. A potato farmer and a hedge fund manager might be equally happy, all while looking at the other as if from a different planet.

A lot of financial mistakes come from decisions that would be right for someone else but wrong for you. They are the most dangerous, because smart people around you say, “This worked for me. It changed my life. You should do it too.”

Here’s another thing I read recently, from G. K. Chesterton:

Ideas are dangerous, but the man to whom they are least dangerous is the man of ideas. He is acquainted with ideas, and moves among them like a lion-tamer. Ideas are dangerous, but the man to whom they are most dangerous is the man of no ideas. The man of no ideas will find the first idea fly to his head like wine to the head of a teetotaller.

If you have no strong views on what kind of life you want to live – who are you, what you desire, what makes you happy and what doesn’t – you’re likely to want to mimic the most visually appealing person you come across (often the person with the biggest house, fastest car, or nicest clothes). That may work, it may not.

And so it’s vital to constantly reflect on who you want to be, what kind of life you want to live, and ask if you’re on an independent path versus chasing someone else’s dream.

2. Independence in thought, philosophy, morals, and culture are as important as financial independence.

Charlie Munger once listed three practical rules for success:

  • Don’t sell something you wouldn’t buy.

  • Work for people you admire.

  • Partner with people you enjoy.

So simple.

I have seen many people achieve some level of financial independence only to be sucked into a new kind of dependence: the culture of their tribe. Financial freedom is achieved, but it’s replaced with sycophancy to a new boss, or a blind adherence to tribal views you might disagree with deep down.

It’s a unique form of poverty: rather than needing to work for money, you are indebted to needing to think a certain way.

I once heard a good litmus test: If I can predict your views on one topic by hearing your views about another, unrelated topic, you are not thinking independently. Example: If your views on immigration allow someone to accurately predict your views on abortion and gun control, there’s a good chance you’re not thinking independently.

There are so many different versions of this: The salesman who doesn’t believe in his products, the worker who secretly thinks her boss is crazy, the employee who can’t stand his highest-paying client, the voter who nods along while wincing inside.

There’s a difference between the practical need to accept different views and pretending to agree with different views, especially if you’re just doing it for more money.

Investor Ed Thorp once said: “It is vastly less stressful to be independent—and one is never independent when involved in a large structure with powerful clients.”

Less stress is a good point. It’s mentally exhausting to pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s part of why so many people look forward to retirement: it may be the first time in their professional lives they can truly be themselves.

Financial independence is easy to grasp – you no longer rely on others for income. Intellectual and moral independence is more nuanced, but not having it is a unique form of debt.

3. When you’re independent you feel less desire to impress strangers, which can be an enormous financial and psychological cost.

Speaking of hidden forms of debts: How much of what takes place in our modern economy is done purely for signaling reasons? It’s impossible to quantify, but you know it when you see it. And taking an action to impress other people is a direct form of dependence. It happens in many different ways:

Each of these is about measuring your own value through the opinions of others. Sometimes it’s direct (your net worth versus mine) and other times it’s more subtle (do you like me?). The person who is desperate for attention and acceptance from a group of strangers is hardly different from the person begging for money on the street.

The wild thing about all this effort is how easy it is to overestimate how much other people are thinking about you. No one is thinking about you as much as you are. They are too busy thinking about themselves.

Even when people are thinking about you, they often do it just to contextualize their own life. When someone looks at you and thinks, “I like her sweater,” what they actually may be thinking is, “That sweater would look nice on me.” I once called this the man-in-the-car-paradox: When you see someone driving a nice car, rarely do you think, “Wow, that driver is cool.” What you think is, “If I drove that car, people would think I’m cool.” Do you see the irony?

When you’re truly independent you rid yourself of this silly burden. It can be such a relief when you do. Only when you stop caring what strangers might think of you do you realize how much effort you may have previously put into their validation.

But let me make an equally important point:

4. Independence does not mean you don’t care what anyone thinks of you. It means that you strategically decide whose attention you seek.

I need the love and admiration of my wife, kids, and parents. I enjoy the presence and camaraderie of about five friends. I want to foster relationships with a small group of people I admire in my professional orbit.

But you can see how this funnel keeps tapering off from there.

When you independently choose who you want to include in your small circle of life, the actions you take, the work you pursue, and even the values you hold can completely flip. Rather than trying to appease everyone (foolish, impossible) you select the life you want to live and focus your attention on a smaller group of people whose love and support you deeply desire.

It’s the opposite of when business leaders and politicians pander for the support of the masses. On one hand you can say they are doing something that gets them what they want (power). On the other, how independent are you if the words you say and the actions you take are dictated by the beliefs of a group of people you’ve never met?

A related point here is that loyalty to those who deserve your loyalty is a wonderful thing. Family, genuine friends, companies who you deeply respect and admire – it can be so satisfying to offer your loyalty to someone who deserves it. But it’s rare, and only when you’re independent can you be honest about whether you’re being appropriately loyal or attached to the attention and money of people you secretly don’t admire.

5. Financial independence doesn’t mean you stop working.

This idea is related to the previous one: Financial independence is a wonderful goal. But achieving it doesn’t necessarily mean you stop working – just that you choose the work you do, when you do it, for how long, and whom you do it with.

Those who retire early tend to come from one of two camps:

To each their own, but both look like situations where money controls your decisions. The irony is that some people who think they’re financially independent are actually completely dependent on money, so much so that they spend their days doing things they’d rather not because money tells them they should. Rather than using money as a tool, the money used them.

6. Being independent doesn’t mean you’re accountable to no one. You become accountable to yourself, which is often when you do your best work.

Study any great creator – scientists, artists, entrepreneurs – and you’ll find an independent drive. They weren’t working to appease a boss or earn a paycheck; they were driven solely by their own curiosity and expectations.

When you’re working for someone else’s expectations, the path of least resistance is to put in the minimum required effort – or, worse, to give off the appearance of effort while not actually being productive.

I think almost everyone is creative. But it’s often hard to dredge up creativity when you’re doing it for someone else. In my profession: Writing for yourself is fun, and it shows. Writing for other people is work, and it shows. You do your best work when you’re doing it on your own terms.

I bet that applies to most fields.

And actually most of life.

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